Shit My CrossFit Coach Says

The framework of CrossFit isn’t an entirely unique concept in the fitness world. Get in a nice mix of heavy lifts, a variety of cardio, and occasionally try a new movement like muscle ups. Fairly standard. But one of the things that makes CrossFit unique is the “culture.” Yes, I know it’s a buzz word, but there is some truth there. And a big part of that culture is the CrossFit coaches.

Now, I love being a CrossFit athlete. And I don’t hate the majority of the coaches I’ve met. But I would be lying if I said there wasn’t some sort of coaching Kool-aid that they must be drinking that compels them to take on a new jargon once they get that L1 certificate. Similar to how men, upon reaching the age of approximately 35 and having children, suddenly start talking about the weather and the stock market. It’s an unexplained phenomenon if you ask me, but if you haven’t had the pleasure of stepping into a CrossFit box, I want to bless with you a few gems you’re missing out on.

Shit My CrossFit Coach Says

• Don’t slam your heads – Usually this one is saved for handstand push-ups, because it’s pretty easy to forget that what goes up must come down when you yourself are upside down. And speaking from experience, it’s no fun to concuss yourself.
• It’s 7 minutes, but it’s not a sprint – For anyone whose not used to CrossFit, you may think that anything that short should be done at a sprint-like pace. You probably won’t listen to coach. CrossFit workouts will prove just how long 7 minutes can be. Unfortunately, you’ll probably never not try to sprint.

• Can you demo this for me? – Because what self-respecting coach would show you how to do a movement themselves? After all, they can’t critique their own form issues mid-snatch.
• Stop if you rip – Don’t be fooled into thinking this wisdom is to help keep your hands happy. It’s so they don’t have to clean up your DNA. And that’s fair.
• That’s too heavy/light – And in your mind, you may think “screw you.” But if coach is telling you to go lighter, you may want to listen. If coach is telling you to go heavier, I’d stick with the “screw you,” personally, but we all have to make our own decisions.

• Meet me at the whiteboard – Because every CrossFitter needs circle time. Half the class will stare off into space and ask a question that was already explained, two people will run to the restroom, four will start setting up their stuff because they checked the workout before class started, and one teachers pet will actually listen.
• Did you sign up for the open? – During the months of Feb and March some sort of actual possession takes hold of almost every coach everywhere, and this question compulsively comes flying out of their mouths approximately every 17 minutes. CrossFit demons. Blame it on them.
• Make sure to breath – Because inevitably someone will forget, and nothing disrupts a WOD like someone losing consciousness.
• 2 minutes left! – As if we hadn’t already checked the damn clock every 90 seconds leading up to the announcement.

• This one is a sweatfest – I’ve yet to find the CrossFit WOD that isn’t, but ok.
• Whose staying for abs? – Ah, not me. But that teachers pet I mentioned before that actually listened during circle time, they sure will.
• Be sure to break them up – Like I was going to get through 75 wallballs unbroken, but I appreciate your confidence in my ability.
• Fast elbows! – You’ve probably gone your entire adult life not knowing what a detriment to your fitness having slow elbows could be. CrossFit will teach you.
• How was it? – Terrible, like you didn’t already know.

Are they trained so say these things? Not that I know, but I also wouldn’t rule it out.